yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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