I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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