It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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