wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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