help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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