If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
my being single is dangerous.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
