Sacagawea was the original milf.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
