I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
