i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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