Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
