My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
