she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize