Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
