I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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