So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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