Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
