Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
