I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
