too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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