I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
