Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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