you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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