You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
