Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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