lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
