Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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