Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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