tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
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