ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
