sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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