Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
