If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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