I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
