My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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