Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
