mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i think i have two assholes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
