I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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