you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
