He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
