Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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