She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
