dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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