I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
