Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
