btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You may now shotgun with the bride
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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