when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
