My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
