Cold hands, warm shart.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
