if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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