I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
