You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
