If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
