I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
