Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
