I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
