Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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