Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
